Let's Give 'Em Somethin' to Talk About

Just finished up a nice healthy dinner, thank you AllRecipes.com. As I was finishing up my salad I picked up the dressing bottle, admiring the label. This particular salad dressing was Newman's Own Light Balsamic Vinaigrette. I was first drawn to it because of the label - Paul Newman's happy smiling face while he wore....something a poodle would covet with a jealous rage. I discovered though, that the dressing can speak for itself - it's very fabulous. I turned it over and found that his lovely collar wasn't the only....neurotic thing about my most favorite dressing of all time.

And now, a story, from Mr. Paul Newman:

(I must say that the following is from the back label, and is WORD FOR WORD. I don't have that kind of imagination....)

The Great Salad Dressing Balloon Race. An armada of balloons loaded with Light Balsamic. The starters gun - Bazoombah! They all rise majestically into the air. Newman's Own Balloon, with fewer calories, more taste, and secretly propelled by charity, flies faster than Kraft, and further than Wishbone. First across. First on the ground. El Piloto quaffs mucho quaffs of Newman's Own Light Balsamic in victory. A medium light Italian starlet, daughter of Butch Cassidini, named B*tch Cassidini, leaps into the balloon basket, kisses Piloto, her lips smeared with Newman's Own Light Balsamic, she murmurs, "You taste of Sicily, of Vesuvius, of Naples, baby", and patting his fanny she whispers, "and no fat."

Uhhhhhhhhhh..............I don't even know what to say.

Quaff? I had to look it up. It means "to drink a beverage or liquid heartily". Now, as I said, I love the stuff. But could I heartily quaff it up? I don't think so. My heart goes out to anyone who could guzzle balsamic vinegar. Their pour throat.

And another thing. B*tch Cassidini? Wha? Need they tell us her name? Need it be THAT? I mean, come on. Am I supposed to enjoy it MORE knowing that some male chauvinist is fulfilling his sexual fantasies? Shouldn't they maybe cater towards the female population, you know, the only ones buying this stuff?! Give her a feminist name!

And fanny? I think that one's pretty much self-explanatory.

Great dressing Mr. Newman, but um, next time? Maybe have someone oversee your "creative" writers. Preferably a woman.