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January 30, 2007

Heavenly Lettuce Wraps

Tonight I ate at P.F. Chang's for the first time ever in my entire life. For real. I say "ate at", and that's really the key point of this story.

You see, back when I was stupid (there are several stories that start this way, ye be warned...) I went to P.F. Chang's with all the girls on my Dad's side of the family. Aunts, cousins, etc. etc. etc. We were going to eat and then see some disgustingly adorable chick flick. Total girl night, right? I was pretty excited. However, I received an unexpected visit from Aunt Flow. And I mean unexpected in every sense of the word - Auntie Flow has never felt it necessary to set any sort of schedule with me. Ever. So I popped a few Midol's and prepared for the ultimate girl fest. This is where the stupid part comes in - I thought to myself "You're going to be eating at a restaurant tonight that everyone raves about. The food shall be good, and therefore you need to not eat at all today to prepare your stomach for the heavenly sustenance that will surely come."

Or something like that.

So there I am, sitting in the waiting area of P.F. Chang's on a Friday night. At 5 pm, prime "rush hour" for any restaurant. And I'm not feelin' so hot. I figure though that it's just because I'm hungry, and that these prized lettuce wraps will do the trick. We finally are seated, and I of course, am smack dab in the middle of this gargantuan table, whose original purpose I'm sure was to seat Ali Baba and his forty thieves. I try to focus on the lettuce wraps and fried chicken and Mu Shu Pork or whatever it is everyone is talking about, but everything is making me feel like I'd rather nail my toes to the ground than listen to all this food talk. My stomach is churning, and I'm feelin' THAT feeling....the one where your ears start to buzz, and you can hear the ocean. I start to realize that feeling isn't going to go away, and my last thought was that I should really get up and head straight for THAT BATHROOM. THE ONE IN MY TUNNEL VISION.

And that's really all I remember about that.

Until, that is I start to hear voices, people asking me if I'm okay, and everyone asking the same CAN YOU HEAR ME?! question. When my eyes suddenly focus, I'm staring at the Ali Baba table which has been shoved about 3 feet in front of me. I start to look around at everyone, wondering why in the world they were looking at me like I'd just lost my mother or something. Or that I'd just told them I like to eat meal worms for breakfast. I finally looked down in my lap and realized that I was completely covered in puke. And then it all starts to make sense... When I finally convinced them that I was capable of standing on my own, my mom quickly (thank heavens...) escorted me out of the restaurant, down the street, past several gawking pedestrians, and into her car.

And the lettuce wraps? Never even smelled them.

And that's like, the third time I've passed out and puked in a public place, and I don't drink alcohol. So everyone? Learn from me, and never take a Midol on an empty stomach. And if you do? Don't go out in public.

And? I finally tried those lettuce wraps, and they WERE pretty dang good.

AND? Nothing. I just figured that 4 "and's" might look good together.

They don't.

1 comment:

heather said...

You are so funny and I love to read your writing. I always laugh, and that is good in my book.